“One of the risks of being quiet is that the other people can fill your silence with their own interpretation: You’re bored. You’re depressed. You’re shy. You’re stuck up. You’re judgmental. When others can’t read us, they write their own story—not always one we choose or that’s true to who we are.”
— Sophia Dembling, The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World
Shy. Antisocial. Weird. Awkward. Socially awkward. Odd. Strange. Rude. Stuck up.
I have been called these words by family, friends, and dweebs (my personal opinion, since they're the ones who used the rude ones.) But the correct term to call them in return is: uninformed.
They don't get what being an introvert is always like, even for those who are introverts themselves. It's tricky to understand the reason behind an introvert's actions, and it can come off wrong- a lot. Unfortunately.
Last semester, I spent 5/7 evenings sitting alone on a couch. I would watch shows, do homework, or other activities on my computer or with books.
I never stay for the end of parties if I have a choice.
I come late to parties. I either say a quick hello to everyone before leaving, or I talk to maybe two people for a while before leaving.
I like to stick with the people I came with, especially if I don't know the crowd very well.
Or I stand alone next to the punch.
I get grumpy if I am around people all day long.
I like to plan events with people in advance. That way, I know how long I will be surrounded by others.
I don't have many close friends. The majority of them are in my family.
I'm friendly, but keep many conversations short before sitting in my room alone.
I don't do a lot of team activities.
I am good at being part of a team, but I am not always in the midst of everything.
Sometimes I work better alone.
If you agree with a lot of this, then you're most likely an introvert as well. I go through stages of being awkward with others, but I am really good at getting along with others- at my jobs, I am often a favorite. This is not being boastful, but factual to show that I am good with people. And I think people are good.
I just don't always want to be around them all the time.
Here are more tips for loving an introvert:
1. Respect our differences. Respect we like to be alone and that does not make us lonely. Respect us when we say no to activities.2. Give us warning. We can handle sudden surprise adventures maybe 2x a year. We like mentally preparing before going anywhere or doing anything. A 15 minute warning is really helpful.
3. Out in public, be careful what you say to us. We are not avoiding you because we don't like you, we are avoiding interaction that puts a toll on us. If we did something wrong, we will gladly fix it but there is a 99% we are struggling to hold back tears. We're sort of sensitive like that and we'd rather not have an audience. Another reason to avoid surprises.
4. Give us a minute. We aren't the kids who race into the water unless we've felt it first. Let us scope out the place before we do anything.
5. One best friend is all we need. Most others are acquaintances and a few in the middle are simple friends. We aren't good at juggling and we don't believe our secrets should be shared with everyone. We like commitment and want only a few special people kept close to our hearts. We don't like being hurt.
6. Don't push us. We like new things, I promise. But give us a minute, okay? We like new experiences but don't push us at a party or to try something we don't want to. If we say a negative answer twice or more, we are serious. Don't push us into that cute person we've been eyeing, don't shove a hot pepper in our mouths, don't push us off a cliff into water- give us a minute, let us evaluate it, and we'll let you know.
7. Accept us. We are not going to become extroverts. There are days where we might act like it (usually when we have felt cooped up and gone too long without people. You know, like a dog), but at the end of the day, we want to curl up in our blankets with a good book and do our own thing. We are independent, just in a different way!
And finally, a few tips for the introverts:
1. Ground yourself. Have a homebase, a haven, a noun (person, place, thing) that you go to when overwhelmed or to rejuvenate. Me, it's my computer. It is an outlet for me to empty my mind, recharge, and breathe easy. Have something so after a long day, you can have piece of mind. Everyone should keep in mind that introverts often deal with anxiety and if you take this away from them, you are either going to make them cry or they will attack you. Also to ground yourself, you can find another outlet form in action, such as: yoga, meditation, cooking, baking, and so on.
2. Be aware. It's easy to preocupy yourself when you're struggling in a situation, such as your best friend's huge party. You love them, but you don't know all these weird people dancing to weird music and you just DO NOT want to be there. Or you've succeded and there's a fancy dinner in your favor. There are some occasions where you do need to be there for others, to be present for something, and even if it's been a long day, we all have to deal with things we don't want to. We have to grow up. So learn to be more aware of your actions and words. Try to be polite, and explain your actions more clearly. You want to leave early? Explain to your best friend you aren't feeling well, and you want to give them your gift while hanging out tomorrow. Someone is talking to you? At least participate in a bit of small talk instead of yes/no answers and finally walking away. Trust me, I know it can be torture, but pull yourself together and know you will survive this! Breathe and focus!
3. Don't hide forever. My plan since I was about 12 years old, was to become a hermit. I remember one rumor I heard growing up about me, was that I can't have kids. The only way I can figure this came about is because I mentioned often enough that I like to be alone, I'm too awkward to get married, and I'll probably just hide away forever. That was sort of my creed growing up. But I do honestly believe that the human race wasn't meant to be alone. We're meant to connect with one another and there are people out there that you do, can, and will connect with. Just give it time. Breathe, focus, center on the now (on occasion), and remember that people are there for you.
The world is filled with amazing people, both introverts and extroverts alike. It is possible! Both parties are powerful, creative, and willing to go the extra mile- whatever it takes! We are all powerful, with our own strengths and weaknesses.
And just because we seem shy, awkward, momentarily rude, or too busy in our brains, it doesn't mean we're being mean. It means we're trying to stay sane and we really just want to be watching that new tv episode, or reading that new chapter, or trying to solve a puzzle inside our minds.
Enjoy this video, on the power of introverts. We appear the weakest, but that isn't so.
